


The light behind your eyes

by Sometimesalwayssarcastic



Series: The Mighty Fall [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Bisexual Male Character, Character Study, Everyone else dies, F/F, First War with Voldemort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Nymphadora Tonks Lives, Past Character Death, Past Violence, Second War with Voldemort, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 07:44:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16551791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sometimesalwayssarcastic/pseuds/Sometimesalwayssarcastic
Summary: Remus had never planned to survive any war, let alone the first. When he had agreed to join the Order he had been aware that it had been as good as signing away his life; in fact, he had counted on it. He had expected to meet his end there, working to help the greater good. He had ceased looking into the future, for he was convinced he wouldn’t have one.Later, he supposes it's a special form of cruel irony that he wound up being the one among them to live the longest, even if he never wanted to.The rise and fall of Remus Lupin, from the beginning of his Hogwarts days to the moment he joined his friends in death.





	The light behind your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently been rereading the Harry Potter books for a class and have, naturally, fallen in love with the Wolfstar pairing. Later, when I heard this song, I couldn't help but think it fit Remus way too well, and so this was born.  
> I always had the idea that Remus didn't expect to be the one to live past the first war, yet he was the one forced to watch everyone around him die at the hands of the enemy. This oneshot follows Remus' thoughts throughout the series, and diverts from canon in some ways.  
> The song is 'The light behind your eyes' by My Chemical Romance.

When Remus had first entered the grand doors of Hogwarts, he recited a familiar mantra in his head as he scurried after his group of first years, shoulders slumped and eyes downcast.

_Keep your head down and don’t draw attention to yourself. Just be thankful Dumbledore let you in at all. Keep your head down and don’t…._

The words rushed through his brain as though permanently etched into the tissue and he had been intent on following them, the advice of his parents. He had been determined to learn as much as he could and avoid getting too close to those that could potentially learn of what he was.

“Oh? So against forging bonds here?” The sorting hat had jeered, that is, if a non-sentient (or was it sentient?) object could actually jeer, though Remus supposed that, if it could sing, surely it could also jeer, “I have to say, I’ve never seen one of your kind here before; a werewolf. Well, you certainly seem to be itching to learn, but I think your courage is even stronger. Then that could only mean…”

The hat’s tremendous roar of “Gryffindor!” was swiftly followed by an intimidating thunder of clapping from one of the tables, Gryffindor, Remus mused, and the small boy quickly scampered off to take a seat, the mantra repeating still.

If Remus had been honest, he never did truly understand what the hat had meant when it spoke of the courage he saw in the werewolf’s heart. He never felt particularly brave, especially considering that he feared himself more than anything else, and even now Remus couldn’t shake the idea that the hat had been incorrect about him. Surely he, loopy and depressed Lupin, was not fit to share the same house that his friends had. Compared to them he was nothing but a terrified pup constantly cowering from his own nature.

He was subdued and dim, his tattered robes and scarred face making him appear far more ragged than a boy ought to at his age. Sirius and James, on the other hand, were bright and beautiful, their personalities strong and their confidence fierce. They were the sun while Remus was the moon, and yet they still wanted him to be a part of them. Insisted really, despite the boy’s protests, and, with their constant presence, it wasn’t long before the insistent mantra that had filled his head for years fell eerily silent.

Despite everything he had promised himself, Remus had not only befriended the three boys he lived with, but also practically became their family and they, his.

Now, however, they were all dead. They were snuffed out so easily and, without their brilliance shining like a beacon in his world of darkness, the werewolf found himself totally and utterly lost in the sea of anger and depression that threatened to swallow him whole.

 

_So long to all of my friends_

_Every one of them met tragic ends_

It was astounding, when Remus truly thought about it, how swiftly his entire world had fallen apart on a day that Remus and the others had always adored. Halloween; it was the ideal day for pranks and idle chatter. At Hogwarts they would gather together snuggly by the fire, pockets brimming with candy and bellies already layered with the fine food that always accompanied the Halloween feast.

Now, however, he found himself nestled by the small hearth of his house, a long since cold cup of tea left forgotten on the table beside him as he peered listlessly at the crackling flames. He had lost them all then, and he knows he also lost a part of himself that night.

He lost James and Lily to a ridiculous prophecy that they never asked to be apart of and, he had thought at the time, that he had lost Peter due to his final act of bravery. Sirius, on the other hand, lost his sanity and his freedom and the werewolf lost the only people who had every truly accepted the real him.

The studnets he attended school went dropped around him and he was powerless to stop it. Frank and Alice, Marlene and the Prewetts, so many young lives ended and yet, somehow, Remus remained.

Later on, when it was revealed that Sirius was innocent and that Peter was alive, the small flame of hope in his heart that had long since been doused flickered feebly once more. He had lost Lily and James, but suddenly he had Sirius back. Peter was still lost to him, though this time it was due to his cowardice and, while Remus was furious at his actions, he couldn’t help but feel his heart break at yet another loss. _They had been such good friends. Where did it all go so wrong?_

With Sirius back, the werewolf finally managed to see the light once more, though it was much dimmer and had faded considerably over so many years of disuse. Black was no longer the bright ray of sunlight that he had been in his youth, Azakaban had seen to that, yet he still shone in his own way. Sirius, the man that had dealt with so much pain, still glowed with life and, as a result, he helped lure Remus back out into the open.

They had tried to repair the shambles that had once been their relationship with tentative conversations and gentle touches until, after several months, they were almost back to normal. Or rather, as normal as they could be after all that time.

Then Sirius had fallen through the veil and Remus forgot how to breath.

 

 

_With every passing day_

_I’d be lying if I didn’t say_

_That I miss them all, tonight_

His heart clenches tighter the longer he allows himself to dwell down memory lane and the teeth bearing down on his bottom lip threaten to puncture the skin should he increase the pressure anymore. But he doesn’t care, if anything at least the pain that would follow the incision would allow him to feel _something_ that wasn’t cold and alone. It seemed lately that, regardless of how much tea he drank or of how close he sat by his fire, he never could feel truly warm and the more primitive and cynical part of Remus was glad for that. Feeling happy and content when his friends were dead seemed far too steep a betrayal, and so he bitterly embraced the chill that perpetually gripped his chest and fogged his mind.

Warmth belonged to happier times, when he was laughing with his fellow Maruaders, when Sirius held him in his arms, and when Lily teased him with that fond smile of hers. He supposed, in a way, he had never felt truly alive since his friends took their last breaths, and a mirthless scoff escapes him at that realization. It was so hard to continue on when everything he did, everywhere he looked, he was reminded of _them_ , of what he had and of what he would _never_ have again.

It had only been a few days since he had lost his best friend and yet he felt as though it had been years.

_And if they only knew what I would say_

_If I could be with you, tonight_

_I would sing you to sleep_

_Never let them take_

_The light behind your eyes_

Remus had never been a religious man – how could he when he was cursed to suffer for eternity from the innocent age of four? He had not the slightest idea of what awaited an individual when they passed, but a more childish side of him hoped that the notion of Heaven was true. He prayed to a god he did not believe in that his friends were in a happier place, where they wanted for nothing and could continue to live the life that was so prematurely stolen from them on Earth. Above all, though, the werewolf hoped that Sirius was able to reunite with James in the afterlife because, for however much Padfoot may have loved him romantically, he was never fool enough to believe that that romantic affection exceeded the platonic adoration he held for Prongs.

Despite that, though, the werewolf could never hold it against his partner, regardless of how much it sometimes caused the back of his eyes to burn and his throat to catch. If he was able to see them all tonight, he would repeat to them how much they meant to him and how deeply it hurt to be the last of them to survive.

If he could go back in time Remus would do all that he could to save them, even give up his own life so that James and Lily could raise Harry like they ought to have, and so that Sirius could have been the wonderful Godfather he knew he was capable of being. If he had only known, he would have never allowed them to lose the light behind their eyes.

 

_One day I’ll lose this fight_

_As we fade in the dark_

_Just remember_

_You will always burn as bright_

The days following Sirius’ death turned into weeks and then months until, before Remus knew it, it had been over a year since he watched the most important person in his world slip away. The tensions in the Order had grown considerably since that day and Tonks’ advances had strengthened to the point where, before he knew it, he had finally relented and allowed her to see and touch him in a way he had only ever let Sirius.

Their interactions had been rocky from the beginning, for Remus knew he was too damaged and broken to ever offer the younger girl an ideal relationship. But Tonks, beautiful, wonderful and kind Tonks, she never allowed the werewolf’s rigid edges to cut her, nor did she ever hold it against him. She was more than Remus ever deserved and, though his mind maliciously reminded him that he was a traitor for it, he married and even, though accidentally, impregnated her. He was beginning to have the life he had always wanted, but the dull throbbing bitterness that constantly lurked in the back of his mind never diminished.

There was still a war on the horizon, one that he had no misconceptions of surviving. Tonks though, she would survive, she had to. She was too full of life and light to die with the dark being that was Remus, and it would be her that raised their child to be the wonderful person he knew they would be. The werewolf would fade into the darkness of war, never to emerge, so that his family would be able to live in the pure world that they deserved.

_Be strong and hold my hand_

_Time it comes for us, you’ll understand_

_We’ll say goodbye, today_

_And we’re sorry how it ends this way_

_If you promise not to cry_

_Then I’ll tell you just what I would say_

“You’re acting different.” Tonks had said one night, with their bodies intertwined and comfortable, her head resting gently on his scarred chest, “Almost like you don’t expect to stay around much longer.”

Remus had hummed at that, the hand languidly running through her hair, today short and purple, pausing momentarily at the soft accusation. She was right, just like always, and she respected her too much to lie so bluntly. He knew it was only days now until the war would finally meet its conclusion and, judging by how anxious his wolf had been the following full moon, he could tell they both knew they would not see the end of the war this time.

“The war will be ending soon.”

The werewolf could feel his wife nod slightly on his chest, her hand rising to gently trace one of the countless scars marring his stomach. Once upon a time Remus muses that he might have flinched at the attention, but now he was far too tired and accustomed to the touch to feel anything more than indifference.

“I know.” She finally murmurs, her typical energy dulled slightly by the late hour and Remus wonders silently why she is even still awake, “I can’t wait till this is all over.”

He wishes he could say the same, because he truly does wish for this dreaded war that had taken so much from him to meet its end, but that would mean he would meet his demise as well.

“Me too…” He offers softly, his teeth coming to chew anxiously at his bottom lip as he wondered just how he should broach this next topic, “You’re a wonderful mother, Tonks, and I believe Teddy will be a fortunate boy to have you watching out for him.”

Remus knows how strange his own words sound, and he swiftly moves his gaze to regard the worn ceiling as he feels the girl’s head move to regard him.

“Remus… What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.” He smiles, though it doesn’t meet his eyes, not even close, but he hopes his position makes that difficult to tell, “I just want you and Teddy to know how much I love you both, and I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done. For someone like me to have all this…”

The rustling of sheets and the increased pressure on the middle of his chest informs Remus that Tonks has draped more of her upper body on him and, with a hesitant sigh, the werewolf finally meets the wary gaze of his wife.

“Why does it sound like you’re trying to say good-bye?”

Hurt swims through her light eyes and, before he can help himself, he’s raising both his arms to wrap gently around the woman, moving softly to caress her bare skin,

“Almost all of the friends I made at Hogwarts are dead,” He breathes, allowing a moment of vulnerability in a feeble attempt to offer an explanation to the woman he did not want to leave, but knew he would regardless, “Marlene, the Prewetts, James, Lily and countless others died during the first war. Peter too, I thought at the time, but the fact remains that I lost them all. Frank and Alice too were lost, if not physically, but mentally. I was alone for twelve years before Sirius returns and then I lost him too.”  
He has to pause for a moment to recollect his swimming thoughts as he attempts to continue his reasoning, but, for some reason, speaking about the tragedy’s made them seem more real and he felt the brief urge to throw up. Tonks did not interrupt, nor did she attempt to coax him to continue. Instead she gave her undivided and patient attention and Remus was reminded once more why he liked her so.

“I was one of the few to come out alive, and I’m not fool enough to believe that I’ll be so lucky twice. I’ve been through a war just like this once, so I unfortunately understand what it is we are walking into. I just… I want you to know where I stand, just in case.”  
His hand moves to gently cup her face and he smiles, this one genuine, but she did not return it.

“You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met, Remus, if anyone can survive two wars, it’s you.”

Her eyes look glassier than before and the werewolf can tell she’s fighting back tears. He is too, if he’s honest with himself, but he knows he needs her to comprehend this; that he really did enjoy the time they had spent together.

He needed her to be strong for Teddy after this, and Remus could only pray that one day she’ll understand. That she’d understand that cursed men like him don’t get permanent Happy Endings, and he wished she’d promise not to cry. He wasn’t worth the pain or the tears.

“I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have such a beautiful little family. Thank you, Nyphodora Tonks, for everything.”

_If I could be with you, tonight_

_I would sing you to sleep_

_Never let them take_

_The light behind your eyes_

Remus Lupin really did love Tonks, and he always would. She had given him a reason to live when he had reached his lowest point, and he would forever be indebted to her for that. However, she was not the only love of his life. His first and, if he was truly honest, probably his _true_ love, had taken the form of a black dog on the worst nights of his life and had grown up with him. Sirius Black was and would no doubt always be the individual Remus loved most in his life and, as he ran into the Battle of Hogwarts, wand raised and mind resolute, it was Sirius’ face, not Tonks’ or Teddy’s, that came first to his mind. It was his memory that propelled him forward to fight the Death Eaters and protect the students that had been unwillingly thrust into the war. It had been the desire to avenge _his_ death that fueled the uncharacteristic bloodlust that raced through his veins and fueled his hexes.

If Sirius had been there that night, fighting with him, he would have smiled at him and watched his back, better than he had the night at the Ministry those years ago. But, for now, it was Tonks he monitored carefully. His son needed one parent to tend to him after this, and that would not be him.

_I’ll fail and lose this fight_

_Never fade in the dark_

_Just remember_

_You will always burn as bright_

 

Remus had never planned to survive any war, let alone the first. When he had agreed to join the Order he had been aware that it had been as good as signing away his life; in fact, he had counted on it. He had expected to meet his end there, working to help the greater good. He had ceased looking into the future, for he was convinced he wouldn’t have one. Sirius and James, though, spoke avidly of what they would do once the Order prevailed and they were free to do as they pleased.

They spoke of prospective jobs and future travels, and Remus had merely hummed along with the words. He knew better than to voice his inability to picture a future that didn’t end before the conclusion of the war, knew how avidly his friends would berate him for his melancholy thoughts. Sirius in particular would gaze at him in anger and hurt, as though he, for a moment, truly believed that Remus did not want to remain with them, with _him_ , but that was never true. He adored his friends and his lover more than he had ever believed possible, but that did not mean that he forgot about what he truly was – a _monster_ that would always mar the presence of his friends.

Yet, later, when he and Sirius were laying together whispering gentle nothings, a part of himself began to truly yearn for something more than a young demise. A small, less cynical aspect of himself craved a future with Sirius and his friends, one devoid of war. Where he could watch young Harry grow to be a strong boy and, where, perhaps, they could all continue to be happy together. Could the big bad wolf truly get a Fairy Tale ending?

The answer became apparent the day he lost Sirius for the second time, and he had truly believed he would never again have a family. That is, until he met Tonks and they had Teddy and, suddenly, he had people to protect again. This time better than he had the last time.

 

_The light behind your eyes_

_The light behind your eyes_

_Sometimes, we must grow stronger_

_You can’t be stronger when I’m gone_

_When I’m here, no longer_

_You must be stronger_

He’s acting on reflexes at this point in the battle, just barely managing to avoid stray hexes as he dishes out his own. He’s never seen the courtyard in this much turmoil, with blood and screams spilling everywhere, and Remus feels sick. This was no place for children, yet here they were regardless.

Yards to the right of him he sees Tonks knock out yet another opponent and he can’t help the swell of pride that fills him at the sheer strength she held. She absolutely deserved her position as an Auror, and watching her in action was nothing short of beautiful. He still didn’t truly believe he ever deserved her.

It takes a moment before he realizes he’s staring, and it’s not until her gaze meets his and she smirks that he flushes and, after offering a small smirk, pulls his attention away from his wife. Even now he still acted like a nervous schoolboy around her at times, and that was dangerous given their current predicament. He can’t let himself dwell on his emotions right now, he reminds himself as he issues out another hex at a Death Eater approaching him.

The war continues for a countless amount of time and yet Remus never did leave the Courtyard. It seemed that, as soon as they managed to knock out all the death eaters there, more came charging in until they were completely outnumbered.

Countless spells mingle together to mix with shouts of pain as people fought and Remus barely manages to level a strong spell at the back of a Death Eater attempting to sneak up on a student before Tonks’ shout of his name manages to bring him back to regarding his own position. The moment he turns everything seems to occur in slow motion, his hazel eyes meet briefly with Tonks’ terrified light ones before they move to the direction that Tonks appears to be staring at. There, mere feet from him stands Antonin Dolohov’s smirking face. Following pure instinct, Remus went to raise his wand, however Dolohov, whom had consistently been in the field whilst Remus was shut away with his wife, manages to raise his wand and utter a spell faster than he.

_“Avada Kedavra!”_

He feels his heart drop moments before a green beam and a familiar curse meet his ears and suddenly he’s falling. He hardly manages to make out the heartbroken shout of his wife before his eyes slip shut. Remus Lupin was dead before he hit the floor.

_He had been right all along._

 

_I failed and lost this fight_

_Never fade in the dark_

_Just remember_

_You will always burn as bright_

The next time the werewolf wakes up he meets piercing gray eyes slightly obscured by a shower of wavy black hair and a grinning face. He feels discombobulated and finds himself blinking several times before he realizes that the man before him is offering a hand for him to take and, sluggishly, Remus grips it.

“Well it took you long enough to join us, eh, Moony?” The man chuckles, and it is only then that Remus’ foggy brain recognizes just who it was talking to him. It’s Sirius, much younger and appearing quite like how he did when they were at Hogwarts, and Remus feels his breath catch in astonishment as he stares unabashedly at the man he had loved and lost, “What, cat got your tongue? You haven’t seen me in almost two years and that’s how you greet me?!”

A chuckle follows the question and Remus immediately knows that he’s real, that this _has_ to be the actual Sirius Black.

“P-Padfoot…?” He stumbles over the nickname that he has not verbally voiced in far too long, and immediately notices that his voice also sounds younger, “I-Is that really you?”

“What, did that curse knock your brain around a bit? Yeah, it’s me.”

“W-Where am I…?”

Sirius barks a laugh again at that question and finally yanks his friend up, surprising the confused man and causing him to stumble slightly into the black haired male as he returned to his feet.

“The afterlife, of course. It’s what happens when you let someone kill you in a battle, idiot.”

“So I am-…”

“Dead? Just as much as the rest of us, I’m afraid.” Sirius cut off smoothly, moving his arms to wrap fully around Remus, who had not bothered to move from leaning against his chest, “It’s really good to see you again, Moony.”

Remus swallows the lump that had increasingly formed in his throat as he processed the situation, his mind struggling to remember just how he had got there.

It took a moment, the warm pressure of Sirius’ body a prominent distraction, before the last moments of his life flashed in his mind; a curse, a flash of green light, a scream and then he was here.

“… I died. Dolohov killed me…”

“Yeah…” Sirius’ voice was considerably graver as he spoke now and he pulled Remus away from him just enough so that they could fully see each other’s faces again, “But don’t worry, Flitwick got him back for you. The bastard’s dead now too, thank Merlin.”

“So the war…?”

“It’s over.” The black haired male assured him, a smile reforming on his face, “Harry managed to kill old no-nose and won. I knew that kid could do it, and James is through the fucking roof. Keeps talking about how his son managed to avenge him and Lily just like he always knew he would. I swear he-…”

“Wait, James and Lily, they’re _here_?”

A curious look is sent at Remus at that question, and Sirius regards him silently for a moment before he nods in affirmation,

“Geez Moony, I thought you were better at catching on than this. ‘Course they’re here, just down the hill actually. They figured they’d give me a chance to see you first before I brought you to them, keep you from getting too shocked.”

As though noticing his surroundings for the first time, the werewolf tears his attention away from his friend’s face to instead stare in awe at the field they were currently standing in. A soft breeze sweeps past them and brushes through the bright green grass covered ground. Beyond them on opposite sides was a thick forest and, some yards in front of them was a small cottage. Remus presumes that that was where their other friends were.

Everything was so beautiful and perfect and Remus could feel the back of his eyes begin to burn as he made eye contact with his past lover once more. Sirius’ unscathed complexion regarded him in evident amusement, his arms still wrapped snuggly around his thin form. He had not realized to just what extent he missed this – holding and being held by the dark haired male – until that moment, and the realization also made him remember another, very important detail.

“My wife!” He unconsciously winces at the exclamation, unsure as to how Sirius would react to finding out that he had ultimately ended up marrying his cousin, if he did not already know, “T-Tonks, is she-…?”

“She’s fine. She’s a fighter, it’s a Black trait. She almost got caught by Bellatrix, that bitch, but she managed to avoid the hit in the nick of time. She made it out and is taking care of your son – they’re both just fine.”

Remus releases a breath at that information, but his posture remains rigid. Sirius hasn’t mentioned how he felt about any of that in his answer, and a part of Remus fears that he would resent him for not remaining faithful to him following his death.

“Hey, lighten up, will you? You were allowed to be with whoever you wanted after I died, and honestly I’m glad you were. You were running yourself into the ground before you let Tonks in. You had us all worried. Besides, now that you’re here we have more than enough time to talk things out, yeah?”

Sirius’ bright, unfaltering smile brought a similar one to Lupin’s face before they both closed in for a kiss.

Down on Earth Tonks had survived to raise his son, and, while he felt his gut twist at the reminder that he would not be there to help raise Teddy, nor would be able to comfort his wife, he couldn’t help but feel more alive than he ever had while on Earth. His other family was here, he could see James and Lily again for the first time in almost two decades, and he had Sirius back.

To make matters better - he thinks with a surge of happiness - for the first time since he could remember he could no longer feel the feral presence of his wolf in the back of his mind. He was finally completely and utterly _free_ , and now, so was the world he had died to help protect.

 

 


End file.
